You know how i really miss you?
I can still remember the day when i first saw you.
It was a whirl of events. stupid, crazy, funny events... :)
I dont know how it happened but we just,...clicked.
Ah, happy days..sweet memories..
I miss the smiles and the hard laughs.
I miss us just talking about anything and everything.
I miss how you're able to make me smile no matter what the circumstance.
Just the two of us staring at the sea reflecting the sky.
Unexplainably Im at ease, that nothing can ever go wrong.
Years have passed and weve already grown.
But now's just the time Ive realized..
That I didnt really not loved anyone.
I was just so caught up that I didnt pay attention.
To my feelings, to whom my heart was beating for.
And now that i know, i never intend to let it go.

Years have passed.

But..

Every moment still painted in my mind.

Every feeling turned into words.

Crazy mix up of words.

But no matter how many words, how many poems, how many verses i write for you...

still...

YOU NEVER KNEW.. :(

 
 
 I wonder how it feels to be really loved. To have those two eyes locked down on you. To have someone speak those soft sweet words only to you. To have those hands hold only yours. To have someone hold you tightly and is afraid to hurt you in any way. To have someone do anything just to make you smile. To have someone know your vulnerable side yet never be guarding. To have someone whom you’ll never be afraid to love back. I wonder...

I don’t know what to do or say anymore. I said I wouldn’t care, that I will never think of stupid thoughts once again. I thought that I had turned numb. But in the end, I am still that weak little girl. I was good at ignoring things, much more forgetting it. I thought that I’d just pass it off. Turned out that the more I do the more blows I get from it.

No matter how many people speak in front of you, in the end you’ll be the one left behind. No matter how many help you get, the final decision always lies in your own hands. Now stupid girl, decide. Leave no room for regrets.

If you could only hear my thoughts. If you could only spare the time to hear me out. If  you could only understand what I’m trying to say. If you could only see me now. Then maybe, just maybe, there wouldn’t be ‘if you could’s...

 
 
    I was scanning through my phone one peaceful night. When I suddenly stumbled upon a photo I had constantly kept. It had been there for a long time now but it never failed to surprise me every time. Looking back to this old photograph, I remember the day spent with it. Along with our smiles are the memories that can never be replaced. I could still see that smile curving through your lips. I could still hear your laughter ringing through my ears. I could still smell that summer fragrance you bring along. I could never forget the countless times I’d laugh that one afternoon. And I never regretted spending it with you. It was fun. Fun was the word I could associate with you. Fun was what I felt, comfortably spending my time aimlessly talking about random things. Fun was what I miss the most.

    Somehow I entered the mess of lies and dares. No one was to be blamed but me. I was trapped and entangled and I couldn’t find my way out. But when I finally did there was no way to repair what was there. I had time. I sorted it through. I thought about a lot of stuff and finally decided to open up my cold uninviting heart. It was never an easy thing. It was difficult. But at the end of the day I realized that I was scared. I fear of loving and being loved back.

    I never knew why of all the people it was me. What’s a one simple uninteresting girl compared to a crowd of talented bright ladies? I don’t have anything. I don’t even have the right words to say. I didn’t even know why I had given this a chance when I already knew that all of me was not right.  I am nothing. But I constantly masked my thoughts. “i’m okay. I’m a fine young lady,” I would always say. But I never knew I’d have to eat up my own words. Turns out, I still wasn’t there. Not even an inch closer to what I say I could become.

    But it went quite fast, didn’t it? I never thought I’d survive this predicament in life. I thought this could go on, as easy as pie. But then, there was a silence longer than the soundless nights I had spent. The agony of not knowing what was real from what was not. The confusion was eating me up. Should I believe or not? Tell me this now, please. Where is my stand? What am I to you? Please tell me cause I don’t know what to do. Tell me what’s in your heart. Let me see what’s in your eyes. Cause I miss that one sunny afternoon. Smiles. Laughter. Genuine you. That one real day.

 

Crowd

03/18/2010

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There comes a point in time when we have our heads up in the clouds. We're freefloating-not knowing where we stand or where we'll go.
We surround ourselves with people. Laughs. Noise. Chat. Fight. Cries. Hard to get track of it all. We get so deeply absorbed into it that we rarely notice anything anymore.
So here's the thing: no matter how many people is alongside you; no matter how many voices you hear; no matter how close people are to you; no matter how you force yourself into the crowd, at the end of the day, when you really face yourself in the mirror, with no denial, the truth is: you're all alone...
 
 
People have always had the heart to open up. The heart to comfort others. The heart to love....
All along, i've always thought that i had that kind of heart. I always thought that that was the only kind of heart...
But the present made me realize that the heart can vary. It can be little or can be big; it can be whole or can be broken; it can be warm or can be cold...
It's scary that as time goes by, the heart can change. From bad to good or the other way around. But either way, you won't be able to predict it and that's what makes the heart scary.
At one point, the heart is able to give everthing it has to the other heart beating along with. The heart is able to live with the many laughs, the many good times and the many joyous memories. And was able to withstand the many blows, the many prickle and the many times it had bled. No matter what, the heart is able to hold on.
But there will come the time that the heart will have to move on.
It pains to move on and it hurts to try and forget. Yet, it also hurts to still hold on when the heart is already bleeding on its own.
So the heart is just gonna have to try. The heart will take the risk. The heart may soon feel regret but the heart has gotta learn to accept.
The heart is still waiting for the miracle that yesterday will replay. Coz no matter what happens, the past is part of the heart. No one and nothing can ever erase that.
The heart is sorry for the damage done. But the heart won't be able to heal it. Coz for the long time it had bled, pained and cried, the heart just went numb and cold.
All those time, nobody came to the aid of the heart. Nobody cared for the heart. Nobody tried to save MY HEART.......